100+ Hilarious Money Quotes & Jokes That’ll Make You Laugh

Money talk can get heated at times. So allow us to lighten the mood with some of our favorite funny money quotations. We’ve included our favorites from celebrities, blockbuster movies, and everything in between – And best of all? They’re completely free! Let’s dive in.

100+ Hilarious Money Quotes & Jokes That’ll Make You Laugh

Quotes From Famous People About Money

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

“Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street” – Jay Leno

“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.” – Mark Twain

 “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor 

 “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers

“The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“What’s a soup kitchen?” – Paris Hilton

“Money can’t buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.” – Spike Milligan

“I don’t want money. It is only people who pay their bills who want that, and I never pay mine” – Oscar Wilde

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” – Woody Allen

“When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.” – Oscar Wilde

“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain

“Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.” – Marilyn Monroe

“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams

“Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end, I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.” – Jimmy Carr

“Early to bed, early to rise, keeps you healthy, wealthy and wise.” – Benjamin Franklin

“For I don’t care too much for money, for money can’t buy me love.” – The Beatles

 “Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.” – William Somerset Maugham

“Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.” – Albert Einstein

 “Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result in misery.” – Charles Dickens

“You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren’t allowed to be normal.” – Johnny Depp

“Make money your god and it will plague you like the devil.” – Henry Fielding

“Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.” – Benjamin Franklin

 “The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money.” – Thomas Jefferson

 “Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Funny Movie And TV Money Quotes

“I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet.” – Sex and the City

 “The problem we’re trying to solve is that there are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there are 50 feet of crap. And then there’s us. It’s an unfair game.” – Moneyball

“Number one rule of Wall Street. Nobody… and I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffet or if you’re Jimmy Buffet. Nobody knows if a stock is gonna go up, down, sideways, or in fucking circles. Least of all, stockbrokers, right?” – Wolf of Wall Street

 “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy

“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy s— we don’t need.” – Fight Club

“And there is no such thing as a no sale call. A sale is made on every call you make. Either you sell the client some stock or he sells you a reason he can’t. Either way, a sale is made, the only question is who is gonna close? You or him? Now be relentless, that’s it, I’m done.” – Boiler Room

“The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God” – Steel Magnolias 

“There’s plenty of money out there. They print more every day. But this ticket, there’s only five of them in the whole world, and that’s all there’s ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common money. Are you a dummy?”  – Charlie and The Chocolate Factory

“I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me.” – Trading Places

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” – Scarface

“I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust.” – American Psycho

“You and I are such similar creatures, Vivian. We both screw people for money” – Pretty Woman

“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.” – Fight Club

Quotes About Money And Power

“I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” – Mr. T

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

“If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.” – Dorothy Parker

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner

“All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren’t respectable live beyond other people’s. A few gifted individuals manage to do both.” – H. H. Munro

“Money without brains is always dangerous.” – Napoleon Hill

“Nobody who has wealth to distribute ever omits himself.” – Leon Trotsky

“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.” – Will Rogers

“We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules” – Unknown

“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a fuckin’ window and slit his throat on the way down saying, “I can’t even put gas in my plane!” – Chris Rock 

“I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.” – Bob Hope

Money And Happiness Quotes

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” – Spike Milligan

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” – Groucho Marx

“Money isn’t everything. Usually, it isn’t even enough.” – Unknown

“Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.” – Unknown

“Money won’t make you happy – but everybody wants to find out for themselves.” – Zig Ziglar

“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.” – Mark Twain

“If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!” – John Andrew Holmes

“Money can’t buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.” – Dylan Moran

“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” – Unknown

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.” – Jim Rohn

 “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown

“What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more.” – Seneca

 “What we really want to do is what we are really meant to do. When we do what we are meant to do, money comes to us, doors open for us, we feel useful, and the work we do feels like play to us.” – Julia Cameron

“Money will come when you are doing the right thing.” – Mike Phillips

“The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.” – H. L. Mencken

 “It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.” – Kin Hubbard

“Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.” – Ayn Rand

 “Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and enlivens the other who turns it on his fellow man.” – Kahlil Gibran

“So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?” – Ayn Rand

 “It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.” – George Lorimer

“Money doesn’t make you happy. I have $50 million, but I was just as happy as when I had $48 million.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Quotes About Spending Money

 “Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted.” – Tug McGraw

“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” – Jack Yelton

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” – Oscar Wilde

“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” – Milton Berle

“If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” – Katherine Hepburn

“Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.” – Will Rogers

“We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” – Keith Davis

“It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” – Unknown

“There are three books my daughter felt were the most important influences in her life: the Bible, her mother’s cookbook, and her father’s checkbook.” – Joyce Mattingly

“The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It’ll probably bankrupt London. But you can’t put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.” – Jimmy Carr

 “Don’t tell me where your priorities are. Show me where you spend your money and I’ll tell you what they are.” – James W. Frick

“I must have gone through $10 million during my career. Part of the loot went for gambling, part for horses, and part for women. The rest I spent foolishly.” – George Raft

Quotes About Saving And Making Money

“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.” – A.A. Latimer

“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

“If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.” – Ben Franklin

“The art is not in making money, but in keeping it.” – Proverb

“You don’t have to die in order to make a living.” – Lynn Johnston

“The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means.” – Sir Henry Taylor

“A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart.” – Jonathan Swift

“You can lose your money. You can spend all of it, and if you work hard, you get it all back. But if you waste your time, you’re never gonna get it back.” – Burt Reynolds

“Get your money in when you have the best of it. Protect it when you don’t.” – Matt Damon

Money Quotes About Being Poor

“I am having an out of money experience.” – Anonymous

“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.” – Ron Kittle

“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” – Anonymous

“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason

“I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.” – Earl Wilson

“Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin

“When you ain’t got no money, you gotta get an attitude.” – Richard Pryor

“Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.” – Joey Adams

“This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram – and he’s been pushed for money ever since.” – Charles Murray

“Lack of money is the root of all evil.” – George Bernard Shaw

“The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.” – Katharine Whitehorn

Quotes About Borrowing Money

 “You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don’t say nothin’ ’bout the money. ‘Hi, how ya doin’? How’s ya mama doing?’ Man, how’s my money doin’?” – Chris Tucker

 “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” – Errol Flynn

 “Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.” – Josh Billings

“Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” – Ambrose Bierce 

“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” – Doug Larson

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.” – Steven Wright

“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” – Robert W. Sarnoff

 “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” – Will Smith

Money One-Liners

 “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.” – George Carlin

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.” – Will Rogers

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

“There is only one amount of money – just not enough.” – Andy Kaufman

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal

“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind.” – Kay Ingram

“I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money.” – David Lee Roth

“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this my livelihood.’” – Tommy Cooper

“The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.” – Evan Esar

“A dry cleaner was indicted with charges pressed for money laundering. A deal is being ironed out.” – Unknown

Money Quotes About Business And Banking

“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith

 “I don’t pay good wages because I have a lot of money; I have a lot of money because I pay good wages.” – Robert Bosch

“The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.” – George W. Bush

 “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.” – Mark Twain

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” – Douglas Adams

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

“Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.” – Donald Trump

“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” – Robert Frost

“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel

 “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.” – Herbert Hoover

“The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.” – George W. Bush

“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” – Bill Vaughn

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job, it’s a depression when you lose your own.” – Harry S. Truman

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy when they have one.” – Rita Rudner

“It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink.” – Dave Barry

“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.” – Mitch Hedberg

Deborah White